Beagle Property Laws
- If I like it, it’s mine.
- If it’s in my mouth, it’s mine.
- If I can take it from you, it’s mine.
- If I had it a little while ago, it’s mine.
- If it’s mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
- If I’m chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.
- If it just looks like mine, it’s mine.
- If I saw it first, it’s mine.
- If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.
- If it’s broken, it’s yours.
The Beagle Pledge
- I will not eat the cats’ food, before or after they eat it.
- I will not burn rubber through the open car window and into the fast food restaurant, no matter how good it smells.
- The computer’s mouse is, unlike a real mouse, inedible.
- I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.
- I will not throw up in the car.
- I will scootch my bottom along the grass to rid myself of hangers-on.
- I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, and so on.
- I will not eat other animals’ poop.
- I will not lick my human’s face after eating animal poop.
- I will not roll my head around in other animals’ poop.
- “Kitty Litter” is not food.
- I will not eat any more socks and then re-deposit them in the backyard after processing.
- The nappy bucket is not a cookie jar.
- I will not eat the disposable nappies, especially the dirty ones.
- I will not wake Mummy up by sticking my cold, wet nose up her bottom end.
- I will not chew my humans’ toothbrush and not tell them.
- I will not chew crayons or pens, ‘specially not the red ones, or my people will think I am haemorrhaging.
- When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it’s raining outside.
- I will not drop soggy tennis balls in the underwear of someone who is sitting on the toilet.
- If we do not have a doorbell, I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
- I will not steal my Mum’s underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.
- The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mum’s and Dad’s laps.
- My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
- I will not bite the officer’s hand when he reaches in for Mum’s driver’s license and car registration.
- I will not play tug-o’-war with Dad’s underwear when he’s on the toilet.
- I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I’m lying under the coffee table.
- I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.
- The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
- I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.
The Beagle Dictionary
BUMP: The best way to get your human’s attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.
GOOSE BUMP: A maneuver to use as a last resort when the regular bump doesn’t get the attention you require…especially effective when combined with The Sniff.
SOFAS: Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating, it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean.
BATH: This is a process by which the humans drench the floor, walls, and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously.
GARBAGE CAN: A container that your neighbors put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right, you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume, and moldy crusts of bread.
BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly, and run alongside for a few yards; the person then swerves and falls into bushes, at which point you prance away.
DEAFNESS: This is a malady that affects dogs when their person wants them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running the opposite direction.
LEASH: A strap that attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him or her to go.
DOG BED: Any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.
DROOL: Is what you do when your person has food and you do not. To do this properly, you must sit as close as you can and look sad, and let the drool fall to the floor or better yet on their lap.
SNIFF: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Put your nose as close as you can to the other dog’s rear end and inhale deeply. Repeat several times or until your person or the other dog’s makes you stop.
The Ten Commandments According to Your Beagle
- Thou shalt feed me today more than thou didst yesterday.
- Thou shalt teach me with food—not big sticks and loud voices.
- Thou shalt walk with me every day—despite thy favorite TV program.
- Thou shall not buy furniture that I cannot sit on.
- Thou shalt not pay attention to anyone else but me—lest I feel unwanted.
- Thou shalt love me to death—even when I bark all night.
- Thou shalt not have a Cat with attitude and claws.
- Thou shalt not start the car until I am in it.
- Thou shalt not hide the food.
- Thou shalt obey the above without question lest I poo on the neighbors’ lawn and promote community strife.
Creation, According to the Beagle
On the first day of creation, God created the beagle.
On the second day, God created man to serve the beagle.
On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth to serve as potential food for the beagle.
On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the good of the beagle.
On the fifth day, God created the tennis ball so that the beagle might or might not retrieve it.
On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the beagle healthy and the man broke.
On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but He had to walk the beagle.
How to Photograph a New Beagle Puppy
- Remove film from box and load camera.
- Remove film box from beagle puppy’s mouth and throw in trash.
- Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from his muzzle.
- Choose a suitable background for photo.
- Mount camera on tripod and focus.
- Find puppy and take dirty sock from his mouth.
- Place beagle puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera.
- Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on hands and knees.
- Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other hand.
- Get tissue and clean nose print from lens.
- Take flash cube from beagle puppy’s mouth and throw in trash.
- Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on puppy’s nose.
- Put magazines back on coffee table.
- Try to get puppy’s attention by squeaking toy over your head.
- Replace your glasses and check camera for damage.
- Jump up in time to grab puppy by scruff of neck and say, “No, outside! No, outside!”
- Call spouse to clean up mess.
- Fix a drink.
- Sit back in Lazy Boy with drink and resolve to teach puppy “sit/stand” and “stay” the first thing in the morning.
- Consider buying older, trained beagle.
The Gates of Heaven were guarded by St. Peter. Four canine friends approached and stood waiting for permission to enter. They were asked for an account of themselves. The poodle was first and, leaping forward proudly, he said, “I am the showman, winning many prizes for my beauty. See how fine I am? There was none better than I in my prime. I was my master’s pride and joy.” He demonstrated his fine show stance.
Next, the Labrador, black and glossy: “I am the Field Champion, keen for the gun, never missing a bird. I worked hard for my master.”
Then the German Shepherd, keen and alert. “I guarded my masters, keeping them safe. No strange foot trod the paths without my permission. They feared not with me around.”
“And you sir,” said St Peter, “come forward to me. What of you?” The dog replied, “I am a Beagle—maybe not so good, I confess. I pursued the cat, fell to temptation, and stole food. I forgot to return to my masters’ call, leaving them to worry, then showed my disapproval at being left alone by chewing their shoes. Oh, and there was also my bad habit of barking at the garbage collectors….”
“But what did you give them?” asked St. Peter.
“What did I give them? I gave them light in their eyes and laughter in their voices.”
St. Peter opened the gates and waved the Beagle through.
Beagle Tongue Twister
How many bagels could a Beagle bake if a Beagle could bake bagels?
How do you contact a Beagle owner?
Q. What do you get when you cross a bee, a dog and a seagull?
A. A beagle.
A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: “HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer, and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.” A short time afterward, a beagle trotted up to the window, saw the sign, and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it, and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the beagle and was surprised, to say the least. However, the beagle looked determined, so the office manager led him into the office. Inside, the beagle jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, “I can’t hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type.” The beagle jumped down, went to the typewriter, and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, “The sign says you have to be good with a computer.” The beagle jumped down again and went to the computer. He proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program that worked flawlessly the first time. By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said, “I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can’t give you the job.” The beagle jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the words “Equal Opportunity Employer.” The manager said, “Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual.” The beagle looked at the manager calmly and said, “Meow.”
A man is sitting in a plane which is about to take-off when another man with a dog occupies the empty seats alongside. The dog is sat in the middle, and the first man is looking quizzically at the dog when the second man explains that they work for the airline. The dog handler says to the first man, “Don’t mind Rover, he is a sniffer dog, the best there is. I’ll show you once we get airborne and I set him to work.” The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says to the first man, “Watch this.” He tells the dog, “Rover, search.” The dog jumps down, walks along the aisle and sits next to a woman for a few seconds, it then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the handler’s arm. He says, “Good boy”, and turns to the first man and says, “That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I’m making a note of this, and the seat number, for the police who will apprehend her on arrival.” “Fantastic!” replies the first man. Once again he sends the dog to search the aisles. The dog sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat and places both paws on the handler’s arm. He says, “Good boy”, and turns to the first man and says, “That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I’m making a note of this, and the seat number.” “That’s marvelous, I’ve never seen anything like it!” says the first man. Once again he sends the dog to search the aisles. He goes up and down the plane and after a while sits down next to someone, and then comes racing back and jumps up onto the seat and poops all over the place. The first man is surprised and disgusted by this, and asks “What the bloody hell is going on?” The handler replies, “He’s just found a bomb!”
The Butcher and the Beagle
A butcher is in his shop, and he’s real busy, but he looks up and notices a beagle in the shop. He shoos him away. But later, he notices that the beagle is back again. So he goes over to him and notices he has a note in his mouth. He takes the note, and it reads, “Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please? The dog has money in his mouth, as well.” The butcher looks, and, lo and behold, there’s a ten pound note there.
So the butcher takes the money and puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, placing the in the beagle’s mouth. The butcher is well impressed, and, since it’s close to closing time, he decides to shut up shop and follow the dog. So off he goes. The dog is walking down the street when he comes to a level crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up, and presses the button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the light to turn. It does, and the beagle walks across the road, with the butcher following him all the way. The beagle then comes to a bus stop and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage. The beagle checks out the schedule and then sits on one of the seats provided. Along comes a bus. The beagle walks around the front, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes. Again the beagle goes and looks at the number, notices it’s the right one, and climbs on the bus. The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus.
The bus travels through the town and out into the suburbs, the dog looking at the scenery. Eventually he gets up and moves to the front of the bus. He stands on his hind legs and pushes the button to stop the bus. Then he gets off, his groceries still in his mouth.
Well, dog and butcher are walking along the road, and then the beagle turns toward a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself Whap! against the door. He goes back down the path, runs up to the door, and Whap!—throws himself against it again. There’s no answer at the house, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to the window and beats his head against it several times, walks back, jumps off, and waits at the door.
The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door and starts laying into the dog, kicking him, punching him, and swearing at him. The butcher runs up and stops the guy. “What the heck are you doing?” he cries. “That dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for heaven’s sake!” But the beagle’s owner responds, “Clever, my foot! This is the second time this week that he’s forgotten his key.”
There’s a guy with a Doberman Pinscher and a guy with a beagle. The guy with the Doberman says to the guy with the beagle, “Let’s go over to that restaurant and get something to eat.” The guy with the beagle says, “We can’t go in there. We’ve got dogs with us.” The guy with the Doberman says, “Just follow my lead.” They walk over to the restaurant. The guy with the Doberman puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in. A guy at the door says, “Sorry, mac, no pets allowed.” The guy with the Doberman says, “You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.” The guy at the door says, “A Doberman Pinscher?” The guy with the Doberman says, “Yes, they’re using them now; they’re very good.” The guy at the door says, “Come on in.” The guy with the beagle figures what the hell, so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in. The guy at the door says, “Sorry, pal, no pets allowed.” The guy with the Beagle says, “You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.” The guy at the door says, “A beagle?”
The guy with the beagle says, “You mean they gave me a beagle?”